You know what’s a gross word? Bloating. I picture Harry Potter’s Aunt Marge, when Harry loses his temper and makes her to swell like a balloon. The madder he gets, the more Aunt Marge’s fingers expand like sausages, until her buttons pop off and her coat rips at the seams, and she floats out of her chair into the sky.
To me, what happened to Aunt Marge is how bloating feels. Even if you don’t look it, you imagine yourself puffier and more swollen than you really are. Sometimes bloating comes from your period, sometimes it’s because you downed several more pints of beer than you usually do, and sometimes you have no idea how it happened—you just don’t feel yourself. In any case, bloating makes you feel off, and that’s what I want to fix with this recipe.
It’s a raw juice made with 100% super-diuretic fruits and veggies, meaning that every ingredient will make you need to pee (like now) while still adding essential liquids and vitamins to your body.
Note: If you don’t have a juicer, this will work in the blender. The juice will come out a lot thicker, but the raw nutrients will still be there.
1 whole honeydew melon (about the size of your head; cut in half, remove the seeds, and scrape out the flesh with an ice cream scoop)
Honeydew is in season right now, and I couldn’t be more thrilled; the fruit is an excellent natural diuretic, due to its high water content. It also manages to make this juice taste naughtily sweet—sweeter than something this good for you should taste.
1 whole cucumber
You know how people put cucumber slices over their eyes? That’s because they contain vitamin C and caffeic acid, both of which fight puffiness. So what we’re doing here is putting the puffiness-fighting properties to use inside our bodies. Mostly water, yet still insanely good for you, cucumbers are strong diuretic veggies. You will pee. You will pee so much.
about 2 cups seedless green grapes
Grapes are like cute little healthy bon-bons full of water and potassium salts that stimulate the kidneys into producing more waste. In other words, grapes are … wait for it … natural diuretics! Grapes also contain tons of good-for-skin antioxidants.
a big handful of parsley
Here’s your secret bloat-fighting weapon, juicers: parsley. Parsley has been scientifically proven to make you have to go number one more often (and it also makes you flush out more liquids, every time). Fresh-tasting and packed with antioxidants, this herb helps the kidneys process more waste and fight swelling.
1 lime, peeled
While a lime gives this juice a tasty kick, we’re using it here because limes are strong diuretic fruits, able to help the body detoxify by breaking up mucus and cleaning from the inside out.
Wash everything, then toss in your juicer or blender, and hit the “on” button. If you’re blending, add a cup of water to help liquefy your fruits and veggies. You’ll get a creamy-looking light green concoction that tastes sweet, and not at all vegetable-y! I like this refreshing juice really cold, so try serving it over ice. Better yet, try it lying down, with cucumber slices over your eyes, as you make your attractive and attentive lover serve it to you from a giant martini glass via bendy straw. There, that’s better.
This recipe will make roughly 30 ounces of fresh juice, which you’ll need to keep in the fridge in an airtight container (stir before drinking). Mason jars are a perfect storage vessel—try 16 ounce ones, the ideal serving size. Drink it all up within two days of making it. But if you really want to go to town, just drink it all in one day. Hope you have cute bathroom decor, because you’re going to be appreciating it a lot the day you make this.
Photo: Simon Sperling, Image Source