VLOG: FAKE FRIENDS, LESSON LEARNED

Description

Sorry for the poor quality of video and sound. It was recorded on my webcam. It was random and spontaneous, hence the pjs, no make up and that hair...
Show More Sorry for the poor quality of video and sound. It was recorded on my webcam. It was random and spontaneous, hence the pjs, no make up and that hair...

CONTENT:
When I was younger... I cared too much about what other people thought. What happens when you love or care for other people so much... and you give and give that you lose a sense of yourself or you lose a part of yourself... trying to make them happy... putting their needs and wants before yours. I've done things that I didn't like. I've lied... not to hurt people, but I overestimated what I can do and what I could provide. I was trying to be someone I wasn't and tried to be someone they expected or wanted me to be.

My mistake for caring too much for the wrong people. No matter what I did, they never liked me or will like me. That does not necessary mean they were "fake". Some people just don't click well with each other. Easier said than to register... at that time. For some reason, it didn't click in my head that it's IMPOSSIBLE to please or make everyone happy at the same time... because people all want different things. It doesn't always align with other people or with you want.

That does not mean that I didn't have "fake" friends - the ones that say nice things to you in front of your face...but are the ones talking bad about you to others behind your back.

There was this particular friend... this person was like my right hand person. But some rumor spread and someone told me that it was this person that said it. And I mean... I've heard a lot of bizarre stories about myself that aren't true so I defended that person because why would they do this to me?? After all I've done??

I don't know what it is... but a few weeks later my gut instinct just told me to test this person. I was telling myself.. dude... this person will pass with flying colors and this whole ordeal would be resolved, so I made something up about myself and told ONLY this person. This thing I told this person somehow came back to me through another acquaintance...of course with added spice. And also heard things this person said about me. It was petty shit like "Oh, she thinks she's better than everyone because she's book smart..." "A lot of guys think she's pretty but she's not that pretty..." I just cried and cried. Not because of the context... but I was heartbroken. I just slowly shut people out and I just couldn't deal with it. I just focused a lot on school, work, and just whatever to keep me from missing anyone. The point of having friends is going beyond that kind of judgement.

So as I grew older, I grew more comfortable in my own skin, and stopped caring what other people think - or it comes across as being cold - detached... or that IDGAF. But I do. But I feel like I matter to myself now. And I'm fine with having a small handful of quality friends. I feel content. It took me a very long time to get to this point. And it's different for everyone. It made me a more loyal person and it made me value the friends I have now.

Some things are phases and won't matter in a few years. Good friends are hard to come by, and I hope people won't take friendships for granted.

Until next time,
Katt
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